I am Ready Not Suicidal

I am Ready to Go

This was the conversation with my daughter.  Then again, we sat at the eatery and communicated to my mom.  My mom said, “Don’t say that …… that is serious …….. God is going to punish you”.

I am ready, that was said before the Corona.  It was said with reference to the ongoing medical. 

I take pills just to keep me going, most of it just Vitamin C.  This body cannot function without that as a minimum.  It keeps the infections down. It keeps the blood flowing in that bad leg.  Chronic infections in my mouth.

The poor cannot afford dental insurance.  Hence, for the past 10 years, “no dentist for you”.  That means a rotten mouth and chipped teeth.  So, I take the C to avoid an abscess.  Oh, it gets swollen in there alright, outright potty mouth.  Hence, the education to get a job to keep my mouth up is not happening. 

I think that is why corona seems to hit me early.  I am bent over so I am prone to bronchial problems already.  That with fighting infections from a potty mouth, and a purple leg, is not a good combination. 

I asked my mom, and friends at times, I am ready, you ready to go with me.  I am tired.  Fighting all my life with this body.  The non-pooping wonder.  I am full of shit, literally.  So, I said it in response to my mom’s repeated plea for a colon examination.  If I have colon cancer, I do not want to know, I would not go for the treatment.  I am ready to go.

I said this to my friend, my beloved, my Liz.  She said, “you have to be there for your kids.”  Nuh, I have done enough.  They had 13 to 15 years of a father, I had none.  My father was an envelope, red-white-and-blue, with aluminum foil and $10.00 therein every once in a while.  That was pops.

You have to be there for their wedding and kids and until they are 18.  Nope, I am sure they will be okay.  I am good.  I asked Liz, you ready to go with me. 

Just look at the medical sciences, everything is a pill, and everything is a complication from a pill.  I am “pilled out”.  The devastation was my dog and my dad.  Muscle mass Gone.  Lord will things will change. 

Are you ready is the question?  One cough, one sneeze, it can take you out.  I am happy I can say I am ready to go, but expect more out of life, but am ready.  It is cool to be such.  Tired of the fight in the flesh.  Desires, tug of war.  Just the body. 

Told my kids, I have struggled all my life. Like Derrick said, “you don’t know what you are talking about … you have a lot to live for [paraphrase here]”.  Yep, but he has been all his life in a good body.  I have not.  My body was “jacked up” from the get go. 

People choose sometimes.  They choose to over eat and be obese.  But, I did not have that choice.  The body was broke from the “get go”. 

My cousin said, I did not even get a chance to say good bye to my dad.  The moment can come any minute. 

My kids, if they chose God or not, it is not because I failed to take them to church.  It would be their folly or blessing, but it would be there choice, I am not to blame. 

Are you ready?  I am sorry for all those New Yorkers whom were not ready, in the blink of an eyes, a healthy loved one goes on and passes over that bridge, in days, not prolonged suffering but quickly, without time to fix their affairs.  Hence, are you ready.  Please answer yes.